Sam's Mum

A letter to my son…I’ll wait

 

Dear my Sam,

Hello my darling, today has been quite a momentous day for you, well us too. Today you climbed on to your Mickey ride-along car and actually rode it down the hall. You have had that little car since your 2nd birthday, when Nanny and Grandad excitedly gave it to you. And today at the grand old age of 3 and 1 month you actually rode it.

The moment you lifted your leg and sat your little bum down on the seat my breath caught in my chest, I stood waiting to see whether you would just climb back off or just sit still. You then put your hands on the mini steering wheel and you started to move your legs, both together and began riding yourself down the hall. My throat grew tight, the lump rose higher, as my eyes responded with tears. I have heard the saying your heart bursts with love for your children, but my sweet son with you it bursts everyday. My heart swells so much with pride, it feels as if it will literally burst through my chest.

You see to many other parents I am sure they feel this pride as their children ride on their toys, jump on the trampoline, say their first words even. But for you all of these things are a little harder. This week Mummy and Daddy took you see the developmental pediatrician, an appointment we have been waiting for, for months. She spent some time with you, I hope you don’t remember that at one point she pretended to cry and you looked at her, your bottom lip went and your little face crumpled into sobs. you ran to me and looked over at her saying, “happy, happy” willing her to smile again. My sweet sensitive soul, I hate that it upset you. She did assessments with you, Mummy and Daddy looked on as our clever boy impressed her, at one point she asked if you knew any letters. Daddy and I looked at each other and tried to hide a smirk, all of them I said. Hey, I’m one proud Mama, if I could of, I would have stood on that table and shouted it for all to hear.

She asked you questions, she played with you, she watched you. We watched you. There were times when your responses ticked all her mental boxes and there were other times when I could tell what she was thinking.

By the end of the appointment, she spoke to us and confirmed feelings I have had since you were my toddling 18 month old. She told us that you were displaying traits of Autism, that you were also incredibly smart, that you had high functioning autism.

I have always known that you were special, that you see the world a little differently. When it was just you and me in that small flat in Hong Kong, nineteen floors up. The times when I felt so alone and so scared for my little boy, was I doing enough for you, was I loving you enough. I have held you everyday of your life my darling, you have my whole heart and every struggle or difficulty you face, I face too.

You amaze us everyday, do you know that? You work harder than any 3 year old I know. At the moment you are having speech therapy, which is going really well. I am also working with you as always on occupational therapy, especially as you find it hard to transition from one thing to the next. It’s ok my darling, I know its scary sometimes, you don’t always know whats coming next and that makes you anxious. I will always tell you whats coming, don’t you worry.

When we talk together and I ask you, are you hungry? and you repeat it back to me, or you pull me close and say “What’s that amazing smell?’’ and we both say together “mmmm. Chocolate!” Just like Anna and Elsa do. I am learning so much from every way that you communicate with me. Our hearts are tied and I will always find a way to understand what you need. And when everything is too much and you get overwhelmed, I will hold you or just stay and wait for you to come back to me.

I know sometimes you know exactly what you want to say, but it takes a little longer for you to process. I have all the time in the world baby, I’ll wait. You listen to me and I can see that look come across your face when you are concentrating and trying to say the right thing, the thing you think I’m waiting to hear. Always know that anything you say is what I want to hear. And when you say “Mummy, Mummy” when you need me, it is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. There was a time when I didn’t know If I would ever hear you call me. I would have been ok with that too. I love you.

Mummy xxx

 

 

By Jade-Marie Sinclair-Harris

Diary of an imperfect mum
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  • Cat
    August 12, 2016 at 5:07 pm

    So beautiful, I can reflect on my experience here with your words. We have been down the path of the diagnosis and although E. Got it a few years later, we always knew there was something different, I fought many obstacles to be able to get to see the paediatrician and I would do it all the way around if I had to because he is so worth it. you are an incredible mummy and the path we are going with our children is challenging but very gratifying! Keep on going! You are awesome!

    • tiptoesclever
      August 13, 2016 at 2:55 am

      Thank you so much for your kind words Cat! I have wanted to blog for a while now, but had to find the right time for me. There is a vulnerability to putting your story out there and allowing other people in. You are so right about the path we are on, there are tough challenges and there really is heart bursting joy!

  • An imperfect mum (Catie)
    August 12, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    Such a beautiful and very heartfelt post that brought back so many memories for me. Our son has also high functioning autism, he had speech delay and has motor skills difficulties, information processing problems and anxiety. He is now 10 and continues to amaze us with what he can achieve every day! So glad you joined #ablogginggoodtime and I hope you will drop by again. Fabulous to be your first linky. 🎉

    • tiptoesclever
      August 13, 2016 at 2:58 am

      It’s so nice hearing from parents on a similar journey. I have loved linking up today Catie, its been so nice connecting with people in this lovely community. Yes you are my first linky and I will definitely be joining you again! Lovely hearing how well your son is doing too, great job Mama! You made me feel very welcome today when you reached out. 🙂

  • Lisa Savage
    August 12, 2016 at 6:13 pm

    Perfect. I recognise so much. But then you already knew that sweet. Well done honey xxxx

    • tiptoesclever
      August 13, 2016 at 3:01 am

      Here’s my lady! Thank you for the lovely comment honey, I’ve loved chatting with you through the many social networks we frequent together. 🙂 So lovely getting to know you and your little boy. xxx

  • Keely
    August 12, 2016 at 6:54 pm

    Jadie, you’re amazing, I’m crying having read that, you are so strong, stay strong, lots of love xxx

    • tiptoesclever
      August 13, 2016 at 3:03 am

      Keely Weely! It has been too long. Thank you for your sweet message honey, it means a lot. I hope you get to meet my wonderful little boy one day. lots of love coming right back to you! xxx

  • Louise
    August 12, 2016 at 10:31 pm

    This is a beautiful and eloquently written post. I hope your diagnosis gives you a platform to continue to build a wonderful future for your family. #ablogginggoodtime

    • tiptoesclever
      August 13, 2016 at 3:04 am

      Thank you for the lovely comment Louise! We keep building one day at a time and this little boy will change the world 🙂

  • Emma (Upside Mum)
    August 12, 2016 at 11:09 pm

    Lovely. It’s amazing how much perseverance children show when they find things difficult. You are so encouraging, it’s so important for them to reach these milestones when they are ready and able to. The assessment/diagnosis is so difficult too. I remember expecting what they were going to tell me, but it felt like a huge big punch in the gut all the same. Thanks for sharing this, it was lovely to read. #ablogginggoodtime

    • tiptoesclever
      August 13, 2016 at 3:10 am

      Thank you for your kind words Emma, I know the gut wrenching feeling you speak of. Thankfully it is offset by the heart soaring moments my little boy gives. I hold on to these during the tough times. The diagnosis itself is still relatively fresh in our minds and as much as you can be prepared for it, it still has the power to knock you off our feet at times.You are right about milestones, each child is different and they are all on their own path.

  • Kristi Campbell
    August 15, 2016 at 3:00 am

    So beautiful and wonderful and so so real. xoxo to you and your son.

    • tiptoesclever
      August 25, 2016 at 7:11 pm

      Thank you for your sweet words Kristi and for checking out my blog! xx

  • Abby Smith
    August 19, 2016 at 10:24 pm

    I am also going through this except mine is for an extra year. My son is 4years and 4months and also displayed the traits at 16-18months.
    He starts school this September and I have just finished working with the educational authorities to get my son the extra support he needs but also giving him the chance to be in a mainstream school, with good strong peers around him.
    Many a day I have broke down, and you will have days where you yourself are extremely overwhelmed but the joy and fullness I get back from my son (now) is the best and most amazing thing ever.
    My son only said “love you mummy” 8months ago, cannot tell you how much I cried!
    Your a strong and wonderful mummy, he is extremely lucky just as you are lucky to have him 😘😘 xx

    • tiptoesclever
      August 25, 2016 at 7:48 pm

      Hi Abby, Thank you for your lovely message! I am so glad to hear your beautiful boy is doing so well! I hope his first day at school goes ok and that your Mama heart doesn’t hurt too much, having to let go. You have done a wonderful job and have given him the best start ever, by making sure he has all the support he needs there. You are right there are definitely tough, overwhelming days, but as you say the joy is so heart bursting when it comes. Especially as he is growing, we are getting more and more back now, it’s incredible. Hearing those sweet words is music to my ears and I can imagine how many happy tears you felt. Thank you for following my blog and our journey, so lovely to hear from you. You are a wonderful Mummy too, sending a hug xx,

  • Nicola
    August 20, 2016 at 12:00 am

    Beautiful to read! I know exactly how you feel my little boy is nearly 3 diagnosed with Autism and and this week rode on a scoot along toy, which he just doesn’t do! The amazement and joy when he overcomes challenges like this is so hard to explain but you have just summed it up perfectly. Can’t wait to read more xx

    • tiptoesclever
      August 25, 2016 at 7:41 pm

      Yay Nicola! Well done to your gorgeous boy! Bet that made your heart swell sweet Mama. Really happy for you and your little boy’s achievement, each one is precious and so cherished. Thank you for following my blog and our journey. Hope you have had a great week! hugs xx

  • Kate
    August 20, 2016 at 6:11 am

    I am not one for leaving comments on the internet usually, but I could have written this myself. We have just been through this journey with our own son, who received a diagnosis of high functioning autism in June, and who will be 3 in a couple of weeks. The speech therapy, the OT, the knowing the letters of alphabet, the cherishing the smallest achievements (for they can be momentous for our little darlings)…it’s like a mirror into my own life! I feel that a diagnosis of high functioning autism can be incredibly isolating since we often have difficulties socializing with neurotypcial children, yet I have a sense of guilt when I might moan and complain around other parents of special needs children, whose conditions seem far more grave. All I can say is that Early Intervention has been a lifeline and has made such a difference. Anyway, from one mummy to another, I thank you so much for sharing this. By informing others of this journey, I do hope that one day the social stigma of autism will be reduced. I have come to realize my son reacts and responds to the world a little differently, and that’s ok. It’s my job to help him navigate it as best I can. I will be his biggest advocate, always 🙂 (XO for your little one and the very best of luck with your onward journey!)

    • tiptoesclever
      August 25, 2016 at 7:37 pm

      Oh my Kate, yes! I was nodding so much through your message. Thank you for getting in touch and for sharing about your sweet boy. I am glad he is doing well and has a wonderful Mama by the sound of things! If I can reach any others parents and make them feel less alone, while raising awareness then I’m happy. I completely get what you mean about the HFA diagnosis and the guilt, I always feel very blessed and understand that so many other families have an even harder journey than I do. However its ok to realize that our journey has its own struggles and our little ones have their own things to overcome. One thing about all of this is that it has made me even more aware, considerate of others, more patient, more understanding and that you never know anyones journey, so don’t ever judge on what you see in a split moment. I like to think I have always been kind and caring person but this journey has doubled that ten fold. What a gift to be given from my son, to make me see the world in a better light. Thank you so much for your message and for following my blog and our journey. Keep cherishing all those wonderful moments and achievements with your beautiful boy Mama! Sending a hug xxx

  • Susy Rudette
    August 20, 2016 at 7:39 am

    Just reading this brought back so many memories. Of hopes and fears – so I’m sending you love and strength and hope – because my high functioning autistic little boy, who wasn’t diagnosed till age 6, graduated from university this month with a degree in something I can’t possibly understand lol – and has just left home to move to Lobdon to start a new life there with his girlfriend. All things I had never thought possible but our kids are incredible and just seem to knock those obstacles out of the way – every achievement is huge and I want you to know that whatever they achieve in life the fact that their parent/parents stand right by them with love and support is what they remember (his words not mine!). Good luck and enjoy being a mum – the best thing in the world.

    • tiptoesclever
      August 25, 2016 at 7:22 pm

      Hi Susy, your message made me well up and beam from ear to ear at the same time! Thank you for sharing your story with me and what a wonderful son you have there, a true credit to you! You must be so proud! I hope he enjoys university and continues pursuing his dreams. You are so right, our children are incredible, I treasure every single achievement and cherish every moment with my sweet boy. He will always have our constant love and support, always. Just as your son has. Thank you for getting in touch and for following my blog/our journey. Being a Mummy is definitely the best thing in the world! You are a great one! xx

  • Claire Burns
    August 20, 2016 at 8:58 am

    Beautiful words and elegantly written I enjoyed reading your blog and look forward to the next. The love you have for your son is beautiful and from a fellow parent it’s hard to put into words the love we have for our children but you have shown this from the first word to the last. X

    • tiptoesclever
      August 25, 2016 at 7:17 pm

      Thank you Claire for your sweet words, they were really touching. Thank you for following my blog and our journey! xx

  • Jojo Binks78
    August 20, 2016 at 11:26 am

    What a lovely letter to your little man. We are awaiting our appt, not til Jan 2017! Our little man is t talking or communicating yet and we already know what the outcome will be. He’s amazing and he has shown us a new viewpoint on the world. He is making us better people too. I have only just stumbled upon your blog and I’ll be keen to see what milestones your amazing little love reaches. Well done mumma xxx

    • tiptoesclever
      August 25, 2016 at 7:13 pm

      Thank you for your kind words Jojo! I hope your appointment goes ok and I know how daunting that can be. Just remember the beautiful boy you walk into that room with, is the same beautiful boy who walks out. Thank you for following my blog and our journey. Sending a hug xxx

  • Kristen
    August 25, 2016 at 6:57 pm

    This is a topic which is close to my heart…
    Cheers! Exactly where are your contact details though? http://Yahoo.net/

    • tiptoesclever
      August 25, 2016 at 7:09 pm

      Hi Kirsten,
      I have a contact page which you can get to through the header menu at the top of the site. However my email is jm@tiptoesclever.com if you want to message me.:) Alternatively I have a Facebook page called Tiptoes clever if you want to message me there too.