Dear my Sam,
For a moment I’m sat in this apartment feeling slightly lost, the hours seem endless and I’m missing home. I look up and see your smiling face and immediately my strength renews and I can keep moving forward. In those big blue eyes, I see brave. You see, my little love, everyday for you is unexpected and full of unpredictability. There are times when I ask you something and while waiting to hear your sweet voice, I see your eyes glaze a little, a flash of uncertainty darts across them and I know you are working so hard to process what I have said and how I want you to respond. From the carefree moment of swirling your mini A320 plane around through the air, your world has now stood still. In that second you were soaring the skies, free as a bird or more likely a plane, but for now I have made the skies disappear and with that I have aimed expectation your way. And yet, you do not turn away from me, you stand and try your hardest to give me what I’m asking. You inspire me sweet boy, I hope I tell you that enough one day. You never give up, in a world that spins against you sometimes, you plant your feet firmly and you push back. I see brave, and in that moment while you are holding so tight against the sheer force of it, and it threatens to knock you off your feet, you always stand firm. And I know, if I could, I would use every part of my being to hold it still for you, but we know the world will never cease to spin and so you stand firm my boy and I will stand firm, right beside you.
We took you to the splash pad this weekend and you loved it, the pure excitement that radiated from you, as you saw other children was beautiful. Mummy and Daddy stand on the sidelines, just far enough away to give you space and let you explore, but close enough so you know we are still there. The ways you communicate are limitless baby, I see it and yet you do not always get the reaction you seek. Most of the children are learning from social rulebooks they don’t even know they already own. You my darling, didn’t get a copy of theirs. So as you try to learn their imposed rules, you are always referencing your own book. When they run through the water soaking themselves you giggle and run on the spot, beaming as you sing one of your favorite songs. I can’t think of a better way to tell the world you are happy. Mummy and Daddy watch you observe everything and you now put your foot over the jets as they spray upwards, as you have watched the others do many times. You see how excited it makes them and you share in that, by tentatively placing your own foot with theirs. United for a moment, all smiling, all having fun. And for every time I have felt lost, or afraid, I look at you and am in awe. You are my brave. I was meant to be your Mummy, you chose me. You fought the odds and you continue to do that, in little ways, everyday. After a long while playing in the splash pad, I gave you a 5 minute timer, so that you knew what to expect. You then took my hand, no fuss and we changed you out of your wet clothes. You were sat on my lap giggling away, it was infectious. We didn’t know what was making you laugh so much, that didn’t matter, we couldn’t help but laugh too. Then you munched on your cereal bar and I snuggled into your neck and breathed in my sweet boy. We stayed at the theme park a while longer, it had been a long, hot day and Mummy and Daddy were feeling the weight of our busy day, so obviously by then you were getting tired too. We brought you home and placed you in the bath, where usually you love to explore and play with the water, but you sat, in quiet stillness. Your beautiful eyes glazed in deep thought. For now your words had left too and you were looking at your hands, slowly opening and closing them. I knelt down beside you and placed my hands under yours, and followed your lead, gently opening and closing my hands as you watched. You turned your head towards me, with the softest look, leaned in and touched your little lips to my face. And I felt our hearts connect and it was as if you said, “You get it Mummy” We didn’t need words my darling.
I love you.
Love Mummy xxx
By Jade-Marie Sinclair-Harris