Dear my Sam,
It has been a while since I have written you a letter, my sweet one. It has been a busy few months, what with the big move and settling in but, Mummy is finally taking a moment to write about your big event this week, well our big event. Today, you started Nursery. Such a momentous day for you and me too. All Mummies get flutters in their tummies and are anxious about letting their precious ones go, even though they know its the best thing and their little ones will have so much fun. For your Mummy it was slightly different, yes I had the flutters and I was a little excited for you to start this new adventure. I was also scared and anxious at the thought of not being there if you needed me. You see, it’s been you and me kid (obviously your wonderful Daddy is there too) I just mean, I have been with you everyday since they placed you in my arms. My arms have been full every moment since and have held you for your every need. They have forgotten how to be empty. My heart will slowly ache as they relearn to be without you my darling. I realise that it may sound silly, as you are not off to school all day or anything, well not yet. However, you have needed me more than some, the fact that you are even ready to explore and try this new experience fills me with so much pride. You have grown so much, your confidence in how you move now astounds me, watching you climb up the soft play and zoom down the slide with all the other children makes my heart soar. I observe you with utter wonder, and love watching you navigate this new environment with excitement instead of trepidation. You giggle and light up watching other children, I can see you studying their faces and beaming back as they smile. You are finding your own ways and learning about this big old world of socialising, don’t worry, even I get confused sometimes baby, you are doing just fine.
We walked into to your new Nursery together and the excitement took you, the room was full of children and things to explore. Off you went and Mummy had the fun task of filling in forms, I glanced over to where you were sat on the carpet, you had discovered a small bucket of pens and had emptied them out to observe them properly, of course. The other children had began to slowly gather around you, well you were the new kid and obviously fascinating. I looked back to my paperwork for a second and then within a moment heard your cry. My pen left my hand as I rose suddenly. You rarely cry my little one, you are my happy boy and so I knew where the panicked upset had come from. The children had all swooped in and taken a pen, probably suddenly intrigued by these pens that were bringing you so much joy. And yet unintentionally they had not given you enough time to explore each one and enjoy them, before you would be ready to let them go. One of the Nursery ladies was at your side before me and asked what was wrong and where you would like the pens. I had just been chatting with her and she understood. She asked if you wanted them back in the bucket and you sobbed and said no and then asked about putting them on the the floor and you replied “on the floor”. Your little shoulders relaxed and all was right again. I was still frozen in the same spot, half way between you and where I had been sitting before. It had taken every fiber of my being to stay in that place and not run to you. So many thoughts flashed through my mind, but the first one was, maybe he’s not quite ready, will they understand what he needs. And that my dear one, is why it is a little harder for Mummy, because I know you. I know why you need things to be a certain way and why you like your jam sandwich in little squares followed by a banana and sometimes some cheese shapes, the same each day. I know you prefer a straw and haven’t quite mastered a cup yet, you don’t associate that with drinking your juice. You always make me smile when we practice and you make the slurping sound and the “ahhh” as if you have just tasted the best drink ever, when I know you didn’t swallow a drop. Trust me darling, if you can zoom down slides after being scared of heights, cups will be a doddle! I know Nursery will be scary for you at times too, your anxiety will overwhelm you as you try to understand and learn to interact with the other children. I continued to watch you for a few moments, before returning to my seat and you were back to my happy boy. I couldn’t help but keep glancing your way and at one point another little boy came over and took a pen, instead of getting upset you leant over to take it back, and between the two of you had a good snatch and finally settled on him having one and you kept the rest. That sums up this world my son, you will have to fight for what you want and also learn to compromise too. And at three years old, it starts with pens!
After finishing the paperwork, I was asked if I wanted to stay with you or try leaving you for a little while. Deep down I heard my self say, actually I’ll just take him with me, I miss his hand in mine, but the strong Mama came out instead and I said “ok, I can leave him for a little while.” You waved and said “Bye Mummy!” I love hearing your little voice, especially when you are saying my name, and I left. I missed you instantly, and wondered constantly what you were up to. And yes, I checked my watch until it was time to come back to you. I tried to walk in all calmly, but my feet were giving me away and I almost skipped towards you. You were sat on the carpet with all the other children, watching the interactive white board, enthralled. You still had a little collection of things, and were happily listening along. I knelt down and stroked your cheek, you turned and looked up and your face lit up and you said “Hi Mummy!” in such a happy excited voice and then held my face in your hands and gave me a big kiss. And in that moment you told me “It’s ok Mummy, I’m fine” thank you my sweet boy for telling me in the best way you can. We may not have the typical conversations that most three year olds have with their Mummies when they leave Nursery after a busy day, the usual “Did you have fun?’, ‘What did you play with”, Did you play with your friends?” but we will darling. And until then I could listen to a million “Hi Mummy!”s and know how blessed I am.
I love you,